As I sit here watching Jamie Lee Curtis run from Mikey for the umpteenth time I’m reminded once again of how much I love this time of year. Recently, my hometown had what’s known as the Foothills Festival. It’s a time of year when pumpkin spice and marijuana are in the air, and all the locals venture to the town square to see the same people, buy the same shit, and eat the same food that’s been served up to them for the past thirty some-odd years. I did it again this year, and I’ll do it again next year. This is good stuff, the stuff life is about and all that jazz. All that warm fuzzy shit aside, I feel a rant coming on…

    First up: People, let’s stop bitching about retail sporting the Christmas goods in September. Let’s just stop. We buy their shit, we’ll continue to buy their shit, therefore they’ll continue to do it. I say again, quit your bitching!

    Now let’s discuss these holidays. My personal favorite of course is Halloween. I mean, what’s not to love about an ancient pagan festival of the dead turned into a night strictly for slutty costumes, gore, candy, and I don’t have to cook?! If you’re one of those freaks who doesn’t let your kids celebrate for religious purposes, or prefer to call it a “fall celebration” quit your shit. The majority of our holidays are based around pagan celebrations, and your ignorance astounds me.

Moving on.

    Thanksgiving. Is there any more perfect way to celebrate fat, lazy, beer-loving Americans and the land we ripped off from the Indians than to sit on our fat, lazy, beer-drinking asses and watch the sport we ripped off from the British? This holiday is easily my second favorite.

    My least favorite holiday of all is Christmas. Seriously, this holiday makes me cringe. Do you know some people actually go into credit card debt to buy people shit? If you’re one of those people, stop it. You are what’s wrong with this world. I propose anti-Christmas shopping where we all wait until the clearance sales in January then buy Christmas gifts. Also, if you celebrate something other than Christmas such as Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something not-so-mainstream, go you! But I say Merry Christmas. I say it because it’s what I heard as a child, it is part of my culture. If you tell me Happy [insert choice holiday here] I will say it back, no big deal. But if you get snotty with me because I wasn’t politically correct I’ll tell you to go fuck yourself.
Yours is not the only religion that lays claim on the month of December, deal with it!

    That being said, it’s important to note here that I’m not religious. However, I enjoy the lights, the songs, the fellowship, the family. I celebrate for all the same reasons others do, minus one.   I may not be politically correct when it comes to the greeting I choose to use around this time of year, but must I be berated by posts and questions on Facebook about Jesus being the reason for the season, and “why do atheists even celebrate this time of year?”   Axial tilts are the reason for the season, and we celebrate it because we like time off work too!

     So you can’t blame me for disliking Christmas, preferring instead the sweet screams of Jamie, and the simple and sadistic purr of Mikey as he pursues her. I’ll take my hot cocoa and pumpkin spice over eggnog and cinnamon any day. And I’ll even settle for tryptophan-laden turkey and another viewing of ‘A Christmas Story’ over actually enduring a Christmas story of my own  . Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you all quit your bitching, don’t buy shit you don’t need, get over yourselves, and BE KIND this holiday season!